Lizards!!

Tuesday, October 12-

My Emma is terrified of lizards. It is definitely a phobia of sorts and she cannot function when there is a reptile (specifically lizard) anywhere around. As she was getting in the car yesterday after school she let out a terrifying yell that brought other parents to my car wondering what was wrong. She sat curled in a ball in the front seat, screaming. Eventually I learned that she had opened the door and a lizard had run out of the car onto her. I was not sure that I actually believed her.

This evening as we were getting into the car I noticed a reptile skin on Nathan's car seat. Within seconds I heard the same blood curdling scream from Emma, and Carter was quick to yell that there was a large lizard running up the back seat. Nathan chimed in with the hysteria and we even got the dog barking :) As I eventually got everyone back into the house and closed the car up (we'll save the lizard hunt in the car for daddy to do) I realized that my little girl was truly petrified. She was begging to be held. Now, I had an initial thought to tell her it was fine and that she needed to get over her paralyzing fear. I realized then that I was not all that comfortable with lizards either, especially ones in my car and had I been 5 I would have been near hysteria too. I held my little girl, we prayed that her fear would be gone and I told her mommy had been frightened too. Even though the lizard could not hurt her, they can definitely look creepy.

I have been having many battles with Emma lately. She is a mini me, and I

now feel some of what my mom must have experienced with me. Nothing is ever right where I am concerned. As I held my Emma in her moment of terror with the lizard, I connected with her at a level where we agreed. I forgot the argument of moments earlier and for that moment I saw my baby just needing and loving her mama. I pray I hold onto those moments with her, the times where we see eye to eye. I pray I see her heart as she grows older, that I learn what speaks love to her and that I convey her worth and beauty always.

Lead Me

Monday, October 11-Colombus Day-

Busy Monday as I recovered from a weekend away and prepared for the week ahead. I always spend my Mondays cleaning. Since we have house church at our house Monday evenings, it is a good excuse, and puts the pressure on to get at least one good house clean a week :) Today as I was scrubbing the bathrooms I was listening to Sanctus Real's song Lead Me. The premise of the song is a husband who desires to be led by God, to abandon his dreams and desires for Christ's and to lead his family.

Jeff and I have been through the ringer this year. We hit a low point in our relationship where we realized that we needed outside help as well as the grace of God if we were going to make it. Our covenants to each other remained strong but we both agreed we wanted more than just "survival" in our relationship. When I first heard this song, I thought that I would continue to play it for Jeff so that the truth of it would sink deep into him :) God has a way of revealing your own junk when you think you are going to make others realize theirs!!

As I listened to the song once again this morning my heart broke as I realized that my Jeff wants nothing more than to lead me, to lead my kids, to demonstrate God's heart. I see in him integrity that goes beyond anything I can describe. I see in him a willingness to learn and grow, and break. I have to remind myself that I have not been the easiest to live with the past few years. I have struggled at a deep level in many areas in my life. As I begin this time of healing in myself, I am reminded of Jeff's steadfast love and patience with me. My love for him has been brought to a new level as we surrender our misconceptions of each other and learn what it means to see through the eyes of Christ.

Hand Me Downs

Sunday, October 10-

Jeff is one that loves clothes, yet hates to spend money. I am constantly looking for ways to sneak clothes into his closet. He is much more sentimental than I am and loves to keep everything! Where money is less this year, and we are having to make cuts. I was just thinking that new clothes would definitely be out at this point.

Sunday evening a friend stopped by with two large bags of basically brand new clothes for Jeff. They were her brothers and most looked like they had never been worn, many with new tags. They were nicer than anything we would ever buy for him :) Who am I to doubt that God is big enough to not only supply our needs, but often our wants. He is a God who delights in the little things. To many people, bags of hand me downs are little things, but to us, on this day it was another reminder that my God is in the business of surprising us with desires. At other times I know that He says to wait, to be content, to be obedient, and I learn and trust in these times as well. Had I been able to go out and buy Jeff a closet of clothes, the bag of hand me downs would have meant far less. Once again, I am experiencing the hand of God, and His peace in my life more than any other time.

It also makes me think that God desires for us embrace the ways we can bring "hand me downs" to others. Maybe not in the literal sense, but what has God given us that has brought us life that we can give to others. I often think that what means something to me will make no difference to the next person. For most it may not, but there may be that one that is impacted by something that impacted me, whether it be a story, song, conversation or even clothes. Pray that God reveals the hand me downs that you can give.

Little Man

Saturday, October 9- Today I was able to spend the day with my sister and her family in Oceanside. I took great delight in watching our kids love each other. The relationship that they have with their cousins is one that many do not have. We were able to go down onto the beach and enjoy a GORGEOUS October day!!

My God moment happened as I sat down to eat with my kids. I had ordered 2 grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken nuggets. They messed up the order and gave us 2 chicken patties with cheese, no bun included. I told the kids that they could have the nuggets and I would have the chicken which was supposed to be grilled cheese for them. Carter refused to eat the nuggets, insisting that he was ok to have the chicken. I knew that he did not like the chicken but as is common with my oldest, he is ALWAYS on the lookout for others. At 8 years old, he consistently gives up his time and desires for what will make others happy. This time it was for his mommy. His teacher wrote him a note this year when he received Student of the Month that reinforced this point. I love my Carter. I am grateful beyond words for his eyes that see people and love them. I often become frustrated with his eight year old boy ways, and this simple act reminded me that I have a son who is a treasure, and points me to God so often! Love you Little Man

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends...

Day 2- Friday, October 8. Today was a day that I was reminded of the richness I have in friends. I consider myself one that embraces the relationships in life full force. I love to be with others. I love to share and learn and grow with the girlfriends that God has given me. Today was one of those days where I felt "rich" with friendship. There were many "God moments" to remind me of this.

The kids had the day off of school so we spent a good portion of the day at Victoria Gardens. The playground at the food court must have been on the agenda for most of the community. We saw many familiar faces and I was able to catch up with one family in particular from my childhood that I have reconnected with over the past month. It was great to talk with the daughter and her mom and see the relationship that they had. I was then able to have lunch with another friend and her younger daughter. They have hearts of love for others that blow me away!! Her 11 year old showed my kids once again what it means to love and care for others. I am grateful!

I then ran in to my own mom and could not help but think that God had brought the whole day together for such a moment. The previous conversations and interactions with the other moms/daughters made me realize once again that my mom gives of herself to myself and my family unselfishly and I fail to thank her so often. Thank you mom for showing me what it means to love and care for your kids. You are amazing, and I see God's goodness through you!!

God Moments

As I start this new blogging venture I begin with a bit of fear that my words and my stories will bring to light my heart, and that parts of it will not be pretty. I intend to make this a journal of sorts where I can expose who I believe I am and more importantly who God is to me. I need a place to remember His goodness, His provision, His laughter and guidance in my life. I so easily pass over the daily things that show me God is good. This will be my daily alter, remembering what I have been given as well as sharing some of the creativeness that drives me :) Come along for the adventure!

Today is Thursday. I am 2 months into being a stay at home mom. I have spent the last 11 years teaching and am now learning to find a new way of life with my kids and my everyday activities. The past year has been a time of learning and pain. I have come to realize that I have lived my life driven by "doing". Doing the job of mom, doing the job of wife, doing the job of Christ follower, doing the job of teacher, doing the job of friend, doing the job of daughter. My world came crashing down when I could no longer "do" these jobs to the ability that I had come to expect within myself. Throughout the year, between work battles, marriage battles and health battles, I began to question what my faith really had become, or even had really ever been. As a "devoted" follower of Jesus, active member of church and disciple of my faith to others for my entire life I have come to realize in the past year that His sustaining peace was not what my faith was built on. I had come to rely on myself. All of that to say that when we find ourselves at the end of ourselves, in my mind we have two options...we curl up and check out to life and faith or we come to discover and learn what it really means to love our God, to depend on Him, to love the people He has made, and to love what He has done in and for us. That is what I am coming to realize now.

I am committed these next 365 days to opening my eyes to "God moments". I struggle, I laugh, I weep, I "throw the towel in" many days and so often I forget that beyond my view of the stresses of the day, there is a Creator who wants nothing more than to reveal Himself to me, to remind me that He knew what was coming my way long before I saw it, that He delights in the messes that the kids make and the interactions we have together, even when they make me want to pull my hair out. He is a God that laughs when Nathan tells a joke, smiles when Emma has pulled everything out in her room to create a masterpiece and tears up when Carter plays the piano and sings at the top of his lungs. My house is never quiet. My kids are rarely calm. The messes are usually present. The fights happen, the breakdowns are common. In the midst of it all, I want so desperately to see God. I want to truly see my family as they were created. I want to see the pain behind the actions of those that disgust me and come to love them. I want to take pride in the creative side that I have and believe that it is a gift. I want to transform my marriage into one that makes others want to change theirs. I feel so incredibly far from any of this, but I do believe that God has brought me to this point in my life for change. I have said for 33 years that I hate change, and now is a time that I want to embrace it. Change to become so much more like the Laura that I was created to be.

I plan to post my God moment or moments each day, along with something creative that I have done. I have opened this blog to you, my very close friends and family as you are my "hometeam". I know you have my back :) I trust you to love me beyond the ugliness and hopefully see the transformation. This is something that I feel God has called me to this year as I learn a new way of thinking.

"If you can find it within yourself, in the wildest of seasons , just for a moment to trust in the goodness of God, who made it all and holds it all together, you'll find yourself drawn along to a whole new place, and there's truly nothing sweeter. Unclench your fists, unlock your knees and also the door to you heart, take a deep breath, and begin to swim. Begin to let the waves do their work in you." Shauna Niequist- Bittersweet

Day 1- October 6, 2010- Today I received an amazing email from a friend that battles many physical ailments. She has spent years in pain and is to me one of the clearest examples of Godly perseverance. She sent me a devotional this morning that spoke of the importance of cherishing moments with your kids, before they are only memories. Little did she know that yesterday I had been faced with a financial "battle" that had me in tears for the day and my trust in a God who provides (one that I had just been bragging about hours before) was gone as quickly as it had come. I was stressing over the thought of possibly having to work to sustain my families' needs. Her email was the very first thing I read when I woke up which slapped me over the head (in a good way:)) and reminded me He is faithful. ugh- I lose sight so easy!!! I tried to remember to "embrace" the time with my kids tonight as they fought over which show to watch, and who was sitting where on the couch, and which snack they were going to eat. The list goes on. I sit down now as they are in bed and will reread the encouragement from my friend, and think of her life and her faith and remember my God who is good!

On the creative end, I made an absolutely delicious apple crisp cake. I had one small corner to make sure that it was edible.haha. I think it can be used as a breakfast dish or a dessert :) I changed up the recipe some since I knew that my kids would not eat the "dates" or walnuts that it called for. Here is the recipe:

3 cups diced apples

1/2 c rolled oats (I substituted this for the half cup walnuts or dates)

1 1/2 c oil

3 eggs

2 c sugar

1 t cinnamon

2 t vanilla

3 c flour

1 t baking soda

dash of salt
Topping-

1 c brown sugar

1/2 c butter

1/4 c milk

Bring all 3 ingredients to a boil and remove from heat.

Mix the first 7 ingredients. Slowly add the flour, soda and salt. Spread into a 9x13 greased pan and bake at 400 degrees for 40 min. When it is finished baking, poke small holes throughout the top of the cake. Drizzle the brown sugar topping over the holes and let it set. The recipe does not call for whipped cream, but I am thinking I will top it with some in the morning when it completely cools! Viola~